Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Every Body Can Relate

I have never really had to worry about my weight. Yes, it fluctuates, but it has never caused me a lot of angst or worry. I'm lucky to be (somewhat) tall and where I do carry weight (my midsection) is usually pretty easy to hide. When our wedding came around this past April, I did make a conscious effort to drop a few pounds and was surprised to lose almost 15 before the big day. However, it has ALL come back.

Now, I know a lot of you are probably saying, "that happens to everyone!". Most gals try to lose weight for the wedding, and inevitably gain some back when the (literal, not figurative) honeymoon is over. However, lately when I've mentioned wanting to watch my weight since I gained after the wedding, the most common response I get is an eye roll and a "seriously?".

At the risk of sounding petty or trite, I'm going to put myself out there a bit. Just because I don't need to lose an extreme amount of weight does not mean I don't get insecure about my body. I don't complain about my body or my weight a lot, hardly ever. But on bad days, when my jeans are fitting a little too tightly or when the number on the scale makes my stomach drop, I start to feel bad about it. Granted, we all should work on self-love and accepting the body types that we were given. But come on, we all have those matter what type of body we have. And while I'm not trying to give myself an excuse to sulk, I just hope there is recognition that we all have insecurities we need to deal with.

At first when I saw the pictures posted above, I could not stop staring at my hips. My hips looked too wide and my cheeks looked too round. I immediately shamed myself for gaining back all of the weight I worked to lose for my wedding. And then I felt even worse when I mentioned wanting to lose some of my weight and got an eye roll type-of-response. I believe the responses whenever I do talk about my own body insecurities are meant to come from a positive place, but when you start to let yourself feel bad about feeling bad, the spiral kicks in and it's hard to get out. It's a lesson I've learned very well over the years, so I've learned to truly focus on the positive. And I've also affirmed lately that maybe comments about my weight are just always going to be comments I need to keep to myself and work through on my own. In working through some body image thoughts lately, I've really come to appreciate those hips and how they look in high-waisted jeans!

Now when I look at the pictures above, I try to focus on my smile. I look happy...because I am! JR and I have been married for four wonderful (not perfect) months and our little family is happy and healthy. And if being happy comes with a few extra pounds, then that's a trade off I'm willing to make. Even if it means having a few little pep talks with myself every now and again.

Photography: Anna Papazian

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